It seemed like a typical boring Thursday at the US Department of Agriculture, but at 12:08 PM MDT, knottybear received a life-changing package from the mail dude at her office building. Despite the fact that it had been x-ray scanned and allowed entrance into a secure government facility, no Homeland Security officer or TSA screener could know the true sinister nature of the box so disarmingly sealed with purple duct tape. Even someone trained in animal disease surveillance like knottybear, who has read the Foreign Animal Disease manual every year for the last three years, and worked with such insidious characters as Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (aka Mad Cow disease), Tuberculosis, Avian Influenza (aka Bird Flu), and Johnes (which has no aka because no one has even heard of it in the first place) -- even this learned person was no match for what was in this parcel.
Knottybear had questioned Mail Dude earlier in the day about parcels, so she was not surprised when Mail Dude called at 11:56 to say a package was waiting for her. Mail Dude and knottybear joked lightly about the fact that a slight difference in zip code had caused the package to go to many Denver suburbs before finally making it's way to Northern Colorado, with 47 cents due on the postage. It is now thought that the strong mystical powers of the contents caused confusion and obfuscation that few mail carriers can overcome without certain powerful charms and rituals.
The nearly weightless package was opened at knottybear's desk, while a co-worker looked on. After some awkward fumbling with a cluttered desk, the duct tape was sliced with a T-pin and the following images chronicle the ensuing horror, which no words can convey.
*Dealing With The Aftermath*
"It was kind of bizarre," said a coworker who wishes to remain anonymous.
"I did take some pictures on my cell phone, because I thought I might post it on you tube or something. You know, with "Don't Fear The Reaper" playing over a photo montage. Something that really captures the moment."
When asked, the coworker said that no, knottybear did not seem brave in the face of death, and the she "went down like a palm tree in a hurricane and cried like a b!t@h the entire time" the massacre was happening.
The creature, which was described by witnesses as "a cross between a rabbit and a toothy afghan", is still on the loose.
knottybear is survived by her dozens of useless cube decorations which include some foam animals, some pirate decorations, a Harry Potter calendar, and a drawing she made on the whiteboard of a suspicious llama.
Actually the foam animals have likely been pillaged by her co-workers by now.
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