Thursday, June 28, 2007

FAC-tas-TICK!

Wow can you believe it is almost Independence Day!?
Here is summer safety advice:

TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's
important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid


Times flies when you are having this much fun. Lately, as I am sure you all know, I have been spending a lot of my free time playing trivia. Well the constant winning has really worn me out so I thought I would switch gears and actually HOST the trivia!

So for this FAC we will be going to Pueblo Viejo (SW corner of College and LaPorte in Old Town) for the pre-quiz sustenance. They are no Rio, but they have good, reasonably priced food, and some pretty decent margs. PV at 4:30ish, then post-prandial play will commence at Choice City Shots (124 LaPorte) at 8PM! I will be hosting the trivia along with a good friend of mine, so you will not have to compete with my eerily clever brain. Prizes include free drinks, tshirts, and other things! Plus bragging rights!

You will never beat this guy, but he will not be at our quiz.















Craptastical picture of the Legion Of Doom winning at Coopersmith's -- note the belt!















I have no idea what this is about but I love a fat kitteh.
















Bear "That is *not* a mole!" Bonney

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

You can't touch this FAC

A middle school in Fairfax County, Virginia has banned touching. Any touching. Now I could go the rest of my life without seeing two 13 yr old kids sucking face around their braces, but how will they play football? No wrestling? Even basketball? I guess those sports are usually found in higher grades, but really? No high fives? No bonding expressed through ass-patting after a great job on the field of competition? No putting those little braids in each other's hair? NO HAND CLAPPING GAMES!? What if you accidentally touch skin to skin passing a baton in a relay race? Disqualified?

This is why I want to be a Libertarian. Too many rules and laws are made in haste and leave common sense and responsibility out of the picture. The truth is the school is horribly over crowded. Read a study on crowding and the affect it has on the human psyche. Of course they are getting in a lot of fights -- they are like too many chickens in a hot henhouse, pecking each others feathers out of sheer frustration. Actually I guess it is a good solution, because the more crowded it gets, the more likely they will touch, the more will get suspended, the fewer are in the halls and classrooms. Yeah, right.

Anyway, FAC is going to be a good one!
I cannot guarantee whether you will or will not be touched. I can guarantee a cold beer, some trivia, and pool, darts, and air hockey.
We are going to Sliders!
This week we are going to the far back room in the hope that it will be empty and we can take over all the good games. If you can't find us just ask where the air hockey is....

4:30 ish this Friday, and in honor of no-touch we will be looking at the detritus of the humans collected for us by Davy Rothbart in his splendid magazine called "FOUND". We will also be viewing "Dirty FOUND", a testament to how much people like to be touched, looked at, or at least talked to.

Wikipedia's disambiguation of "touch":

Somatosensory system, for the various sensory receptors that trigger the experiences labelled as touch or pressure
Haptics, for the study of human touching behaviour

Touch (60s band), a rock group
Touch (band), a 70s rock band
Touch (album), a 1983 album by New Wave duo Eurythmics
Touch (1987 album), a 1987 album by Laura Branigan
Touch (Sarah McLachlan album), the 1988 debut album of Sarah McLachlan
Touch (song), a single by Canadian rock band The Tea Party
Touch (Amerie album), a 2005 album by R&B singer Amerie
Touch (Amerie song), a 2005 single by R&B singer Amerie
Touch (Omarion song), a song by singer Omarion
Touch (Supremes album), a 1971 album by Motown group The Supremes
Touch Music or Touch Records, an electronic music record label, the main branch of the Touch company (UK)
Touch FM, a group of commercial radio stations in the UK
Touch (Noiseworks album), a 1988 album by Australian hard rock band Noiseworks
Touch (Mike Anthony song), a song heard from Noah's Arc

In fiction:
Touch (manga), a 1980s Japanese manga and anime series
Touch (novel), a 1987 novel by Elmore Leonard
Touch (film), a film by Paul Schrader, after the novel by Elmore Leonard
In sports:
Touch-line, the line on either side of the playing area of some football games
Touch (rugby), the area outside the 2 touch-lines in rugby
Touch judge, an official who monitors the touch-line in a game of Rugby football
Touch football (rugby league), commonly known as "touch"

Other:
touch (Unix), a classic computer program on Unix and Unix-like operating systems
The Touch River, a river of southwestern France that flows into the Garonne River

Bear" Keep your laws off my haptics" Bonney

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

An average day at the end of the world....

It wasn’t as humid this morning, and that I was thankful for because the stench of the sewer treatment plant was much stronger than usual. After a frantic search for Bridget’s keys she left, and I got in the shower. I was so tired and I stood under the water much longer than usual and realized in a jolt I was going to be late.

I scrambled around, got the dogs settled, and checked on the kid (fast asleep like 13 yr old boys often are) before blazing out the door. I lit up a Camel immediately and thought how glad I would be when we finally moved farther than two blocks from the “poop factory” as my friend Sascha called it.

Work was “same shit, different day” for the morning. There was a strong smell of air freshener on my floor, like that orange scented crap. It was making my nose itch and tingle worse than the ‘poo gas’. I cannot stand how sneezy I am at work!

About half the people who were supposed to show up for the morning meeting were gone. Poorly attended meetings are typical the later it gets in the week, and overlapping projects have caused a lot of fractured collaborations. It was all I could do to stay awake.

I sat in the first floor break room at lunch time waiting for Stella, who went to McDonald’s to pick up her lunch. I was heating my frozen burrito a big security guard was using the other microwave for something foul smelling. His walkie-talkie barked something about a “*skkktch* with a backpack *skkktch* on his way” and he walked quickly toward the lobby.

I saw him through the floor to ceiling windows that are ½ of the break room. He strode to the parking lot and intercepted a kid on a bicycle wearing a back pack. He was checking the kid’s id, talking to him, it all seemed pretty calm. The Homeland Security Explorer rolled up way too fast, and the officer hopped out. Security deferred to him and walked back toward the building, while the officer searched the boy’s bag.

As I am texting this item to everyone I know, I am thinking to myself “How typically over reactive of them. Some kid bikes through the lot and they freak?” Security guard returns.

“So what is up with that kid?” I ask lightly.

“He was taking pictures of the building. We just wanted to talk to him about why he was doing that. He has a college id; just some college kid.” He shrugged and got his food out of the microwave.

I pondered this as I ate, thinking how funny it is that taking pictures of a building can be construed as an act of hostility toward the Federal Government. Stella does not show up, so I assume she is running errands and go back to my desk.

I go out to smoke sometime later. I see Stella walking over the railroad tracks from the natural foods store. Wow, I think to myself, much better choice than drive-through fast food. She stumbles and I chuckle to myself, thinking up witty comments to rib her with.

I notice a guy walking toward her down the center of the tracks. He is having a hard time of it, but looks too clean to be a homeless drunk. Pretty stupid, too, walking down the middle of the tracks. Guess that expensive fence the city built to keep people off the track really paid off.

Stella stops to look at him and makes a very strange gesture, almost flopping her arm at him. I notice that her sleeve looks torn. I start to get concerned and walk toward them. Is this guy following her? Did he hurt her?

The drunk-acting dude lifts his head to look at her and then pivots his head to look at me. He is wearing some sort of weird glasses or something…..no, both his eyes are blackened, like perfect skull makeup. What the hell is happening here? She turns toward me too and she has a big gash on one side of her face, it is all I can see because of her hair flopped over the other side. I begin to run toward her, calling out.

“Get the fuck away from her you asshole! Stella, what the hell happened?”

As I get closer I see that her clothes are quite disheveled.

“Who did this? Were you raped? Let’s go inside, I am calling the cops.”

I dial 911 on my cell phone. I get nothing but a rapid beeping. I dial again, it begins to ring through. Stella is stumbling down the railroad burm to me. I walk forward to help her, and the phone just rings and rings. The drunk guy is coming down the bank, too, and his legs seem made of jelly.

“Are you deaf, douchebag? Get the fuck out of here!”

“911, what’s the nature of your emergency?” The male voice sounds tight and haggard.

“I think my friend was raped, send someone over here, the guy is still here and won’t quit following us!”

“Can I get your location, please?”

“We are on the railroad tracks behind the Hummingbird Plaza! Oh my god she is hurt really bad!”

At this moment Stella is very close to me, about two arms lengths away – I can see now that her injury is much worse than I thought, in fact I am retching and thinking “How can she be alive?” at the same time. Weird thoughts race through my head, about those mothers who lift cars off their children, and people who survived being lost in the desert, and about PCP making people immune to pain and how hard it is to kill a bear and…

She grabs my arm, pulling it toward her, to her face and I wrench away, squealing, “I know honey, I know you are hurt but I shouldn’t touch it, help is coming!” I realize I have lost my cell phone and I am struggling to get out of her strong grip, her finger skin feels as if it is sliding over her bones, and she smells so bad, reeks like the poo gas and the orange spray mixed together, and suddenly the drunk guy is there.

She whips her arm out at him, and her attention on me slacks enough for me to pull away. I scramble up the burm, not looking back, running when I hit the asphalt, running to the building, what the hell is up where are those Homeland Security guys NOW!?

Monday, June 11, 2007

FAC nostalgia

HEEEEEEEEEEYYYY YOOOOOUUUUUUU GUUUUUYYYYYYYSSS!


Remember that? It was almost a "Where's the beef?" caliber catch -phrase.


Well I am sending out the call early to warn/alert/notify all of you that I will NOT be at FAC this week.
I have big plans in Denver that evening.

So I think that someone else needs to step up and plan the FAC!

Also everyone should look for the Coopersmith's blog on geekswhodrink.com and see the scores from our magnificent trivia win Sunday night.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Big ass Texas FAC ... or not.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!

That is what I heard at 1:00 this morning. Some crazy Texan (Not Durham or Dartez) was bellowing his fool head off behind my house. He went through about an hour of various curses, racial slurs, non-sequitors, and even told the guard dog at the storage place that it's mom was a drug addict. Or maybe he was talking to some other b*tch. I am certain he was alone until the po-po showed up (I called them after about 1/2 an hour). How do I know he was a Texan? Because he kept yelling "I am a Texas (racial slur)!" at the top of his voice. I did not go out to confirm if he really was the race he purported to be.

So I am really tired this fine Thursday morning.
Luckily, Trailhead 'Geeks Who Drink' Trivia went well and we won by a landslide (or is it by a sidekick?) After much cajoling, bribery, and promises we finally got on the quizmasters' good side.

Anyway, as you may know, some of our FAC friends are leaving the country because they are wanted by the authorities for bellowing at the top of their lungs behind my house.....hahahahah. Not really. Luke and Audrey Anna are going to Mexico! So they will be spending FAC on the beach and none of the rest of us are invited. Poo.

So all the rest of y'all (don't mess with Texas) should come out and have more fun than ever!!! Let's go out to OLD CHICAGO (in Olde Towne next to Drunken Monkey)!

We should try to meet before 6 so we can take advantage of the beer and snack specials...... I will be there a little before 5 -- like 4:30 or so! Maybe after we can stop in to the Drunken Monkey and pretend we are at the beach ourselves....or pretend to beach ourselves....

Now some of you may think that the Chicago theme is as far from Texas as you can get, but I think it is pretty Texan. I mean we know CHI-town likes things big:

Big water:




















Big water with big ice:














Big art:


























Big buildings:


























Big pizza:















Big fire:

















Also it used to be one of the biggest cow-towns in the US.

Let us rejoice in all that is the Windy City!

It's a 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes; it's dark and we're wearing sun glasses. Hit it!
- - - The Blues Brothers

Loving Chicago is like loving a woman with a broken nose.
- - - Nelson Algren

I am going to St. Petersburg, Florida, tomorrow. Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best they can. I'm sick of the job--it's a thankless one and full of grief. I've been spending the best years of my life as a public benefactor.
- - - Al Capone, 1927

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
- - - Richard Jeni

Stay tuned for next weeks theme, which will be something fun we discussed at Surfside last week but I forgot. Sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?

Bear "And all that Jazz " Bonney