Bang and Blame

So last night an episode of Closed Case had an R.E.M. song at the end of it. I was singing along, and my brain apparently thought that it was interesting enough to go through a large portion of the R.E.M. catalogue while I slept. I woke up with "Half A World Away" in my head. Of course the only way to defeat ear worms is to listen to the actual song. So I went on an all day R.E.M. kick which made me realize I am depressed.

So I go through a weird seasonal affect/school phobia thing when fall comes on. Like "Oh crap, summer is over, everything is about to suck for six months!" I do not like Christmas. I get all anxious when I have to travel in snow and of course holiday family gatherings are always a pain, no matter whose family it is (well maybe not your family but I don't want my wife to think I am picking on her). Over the river and through the woods is all fine and good but through Kansas, Oklahoma, and Texas is a little much. Over the pass and through the blizzard to fights and crises we go.

School was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hated school from 6th grade on. I was smart and I loved to learn but I was all weird and nerdy and fat (so the same as I am now). People picked on me and I fought with teachers and resented busy-work.
Even thinking about it now is giving me a sick feeling.

Maybe because that is how I feel about work now. As if I am such the outcast and low person in the hierarchy. I never wanted to be popular. I just know I have talent and I want people to like me because I am good at things that I do, and an asset to my workplace, not because our kids both have the same first name and ADD. I have friends to like me for my wit and conversation. I have friends to talk about politics and religion and why. I do not want to talk to my coworkers about any of that. My life is way different from what I have heard others express and I am so fucking TIRED of explaining myself to people that I don't even like that much!

It just feels unfair that I have to show up for worthless meetings, stupid lunches, lame going-away parties, donate money for "gifts". No shit, someone solicited money from me to buy a dude a Nintendo DS as a going away gift. For him to play while he was on a SAILBOAT for four months, not working and sailing across the PACIFIC OCEAN. Um, how about I give you $20 to eat shit.

My best friend here at work left our group to work in another group. There was a party on the weekend at the house of my current boss. I was NOT INVITED. Because she (my boss) could not invite me and exclude all her other employees.

So as you can see it is like high school here. I don't get invited to cool kid parties, do a lot of work that is ignored until I stop giving a shit, get picked on or "talked to " because I don't play well with others.

They say things like "no matter where you go, there you are". Obviously the common denominator is me. I feel like I have made great efforts to change how I am since high school. I have worked hard, gone to college, raised a kid, had some relationships, got on some meds, sucked it up a lot and found myself not much better off in many ways. I mean it could certainly be worse. But core happiness with myself and my job is non-existant.

The good news is I got a truck. Kel bought it for me.
Meet Clifford:
















The dogs like it too:

Crappy weather and some other crap.

So today is a shitty day in Colorado. Julia and Stacey are on their way to Vegas, to the warm sun. I am watching their cats in the sad 45 degree rainy crap weather we are having. Don't get me wrong I love the cats.

Speaking of cats we got the ClayPaws from little Bob yesterday. And the call that her ashes are ready. Poor kitty. We miss her.

WoWing too much altogether but it helped the mean and depressed this weekend. I wish I was playing now so I could help the mean and depressed at work.

We tore up the carpet in the kitchen this weekend and attempted to wash the glue-covered wood floor beneath. I am still hacking up the dust. Too bad the wood is not in any condition to refinish, it would be nice to have wood throughout. As it is we are putting down vinyl tile. As soon as that is begun we will get the new stove and our kitchen will be quite a bit nicer! Then the cabinet refinishing and tada~ house we are not in hate with.

I was really on a roll this past week with buying yarn and knitting stuff. Labor Day was %50 off at the Goodwill and Savers so I got a few bags of yarn and some needles (Boye Alum. but for $0.25 a set, hey.) I also bought this creature call a knitting knobby. I am not really sure how to use it yet. It seems unnecessarily complicated, even more so than just knitting some damn iCord.
I got som tiny crochet hooks to go with the thread I got from the craigslist lot, and now just need to figure out what to make!

I bought my Therapi yarn at My Sister Knits for Hat Attack 2 -- I am not quite as excited as I was for the first one, but I am getting there. I opted for some nice colors instead of hideous ones, because I want death to hurt the ego, not the eyes. Plus with a nice yarn, why make something they will hate?

I wanted to buy more stuff but I didn't really have the money. I was especially looking at the books, but did not see any that really made me go 'wow'. I am also refusing to start anything new other than HA2 until I finish the 10 unfinished projects I have in the works.

Gloves went pretty well up to the actual fingers, and then I was thwarted by just trying to read the pattern. Baby blanket was going okay until I took it to the stupid 'parent education" classes at my kid's high school (that's another show) and now I look at it and think of desk chairs and transactional analysis. Toilet paper scarf just needs to be finished and go as a gift to someone. It is just boring and has ginger tea on it. Panties (Mon Petit Chou) are stopped at the beginning because I was distracted by all kinds of things like baby and whatnot. Jacob's red and yellow hammer and sickle scarf hurts my eyes and is going to be painfully boring when I am past the design. The two crochets creatures are there because I am guilty about working on them before the other things. Kelley's socks? I am ashamed deeply. I must finish those.

So that is the bleh blog. Carry on.