So I go through a weird seasonal affect/school phobia thing when fall comes on. Like "Oh crap, summer is over, everything is about to suck for six months!" I do not like Christmas. I get all anxious when I have to travel in snow and of course holiday family gatherings are always a pain, no matter whose family it is (well maybe not your family but I don't want my wife to think I am picking on her). Over the river and through the woods is all fine and good but through Kansas, Oklahoma, and Texas is a little much. Over the pass and through the blizzard to fights and crises we go.
School was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hated school from 6th grade on. I was smart and I loved to learn but I was all weird and nerdy and fat (so the same as I am now). People picked on me and I fought with teachers and resented busy-work.
Even thinking about it now is giving me a sick feeling.
Maybe because that is how I feel about work now. As if I am such the outcast and low person in the hierarchy. I never wanted to be popular. I just know I have talent and I want people to like me because I am good at things that I do, and an asset to my workplace, not because our kids both have the same first name and ADD. I have friends to like me for my wit and conversation. I have friends to talk about politics and religion and why. I do not want to talk to my coworkers about any of that. My life is way different from what I have heard others express and I am so fucking TIRED of explaining myself to people that I don't even like that much!
It just feels unfair that I have to show up for worthless meetings, stupid lunches, lame going-away parties, donate money for "gifts". No shit, someone solicited money from me to buy a dude a Nintendo DS as a going away gift. For him to play while he was on a SAILBOAT for four months, not working and sailing across the PACIFIC OCEAN. Um, how about I give you $20 to eat shit.
My best friend here at work left our group to work in another group. There was a party on the weekend at the house of my current boss. I was NOT INVITED. Because she (my boss) could not invite me and exclude all her other employees.
So as you can see it is like high school here. I don't get invited to cool kid parties, do a lot of work that is ignored until I stop giving a shit, get picked on or "talked to " because I don't play well with others.
They say things like "no matter where you go, there you are". Obviously the common denominator is me. I feel like I have made great efforts to change how I am since high school. I have worked hard, gone to college, raised a kid, had some relationships, got on some meds, sucked it up a lot and found myself not much better off in many ways. I mean it could certainly be worse. But core happiness with myself and my job is non-existant.
The good news is I got a truck. Kel bought it for me.
Meet Clifford:
The dogs like it too:
